Giving for release
from memories and lost dreams.
For giving your all.

There is power in letting go, but you needn’t be empty handed.

I realized I was hanging on tightly to a vision of success that isn’t real.

My brain was trained on images of my mother obsessively cleaning and redoing our chores. I didn’t know then that it was her way of gaining a sense of control.

My brain made an agreement that a woman must keep a clean home. When family visit, I get anxiety until the house is spotless. As Husband says, it has to look like nobody lives here.

Last weekend I hosted a baby shower for my girlfriend and her super cool friends, all women I knew and loved. I couldn’t relax all day. My smart watch kept screaming at me, “Abnormal heart rate detected!”

When the first person showed up, I kept cleaning like a zombie – little finishing touches, trying to check off everything on my impossible endless list. I barely met the eyes of the people I was doing all this work for. Only when the party was in full swing did my brain force switch into hostess mode.

In reflecting on this, I noted two things.

  1. A real vision of success would have meant prioritizing the connection time with these women.
  2. I need to forgive my mother for unknowingly training me to be a cleaning zombie.

The more I delve into this shadow, the more I see its impacts on other areas of my life. It’s stolen joy and connection from me, and it will always be a symptom I need to manage.

I just need to remember what is important, and the answer is always love.

Grab what you want with both hands, and the unnecessary will fall away.

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